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I didn’t get to have my mom in the delivery room with me when I had my son. I didn’t get to have her teach me how to fix my hair or do my makeup. She never taught me how to cook. Normally, the Filthy Mouthed Wife T-Shirt stories would mean that she wasn’t around or wasn’t alive, but that wasn’t the case.
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My mom was physically there, but couldn’t be the mom I needed her to be. I grew up knowing who my mom is, but it’s always been a hole in my life. I’m not an addict, but I’ve known addiction all too well my whole life. I’m the daughter of an addict. I’ve made excuses. We made promises. I never wanted to use that term, but I can’t deny it anymore. It’s funny how when you’re a kid, you don’t know how to put it all together. I remember the weed and the pills. I remember her falling asleep at the table while we were coloring together. I never realized just how bad her addiction had gotten until I was a teenager and wouldn’t hear from her for months.
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Or, until I was 20 years old getting a phone call from CPS asking me to take in my two younger brothers. One is 9, and the other 13 years old. Or when she showed up on heroin at my little sister’s graduation. Despite losing her kids, her addiction still wouldn’t let her go. She was going from bad to worse in the blink of an eye. You don’t expect the Filthy Mouthed Wife T-Shirt into hard drugs that will one day take her from you completely. I didn’t want to be the daughter of an addict. I didn’t want to claim that title. It didn’t set in until I lost her forever.